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you are so confusing.
written by //Que at 10 Mar 2016 & got 0 Comments

Bismillah.
100316; 9:05pm.

----070316;8:55pm----
"can I ask you something?"
"yes?"
"can we be best friend?"
"...."

aku ketawa, geli hati. bapakkkkkkk diaa! kena friendzoned! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

and-- in the same time, I cried. deep inside, my heart was broken a little bit. it broke into a million pieces. and-- i dont know why, idk why am I supposed to cry. so bad.

"eh, bukan dah lama kawan ke? kawan sampai mati. kan?" I continue putting myself at "you are so damn funny laaaaa" selfless-level. seem okay with that.

and you laugh. "hahaha kan. kawan sampai mati".
I excuse myself and tell you that I need to charge my phone. then, I turn off my phone. Shut myself out of family members in my room, and crying. I still dont know the reasons why.

Sakit? Benci? Tak sangka kena friendzoned? Sayang? Idk.

fortunately, I still believe in God. I ask myself, why should I cry? what the matters that I should feel sad about? me and him are just friend. close friend. kan. keep asking myself and turn my positive mode on, out of sudden. because I feel sorry for myself. I deserve to feel happy, not being like this.

I wipe my tears and make it new. well thank God who shows me the ways. daripada aku sedih sedih nak pikir benda yang remeh temeh macam tu. lagipun, being best friend is better than enough-- than being a stranger with memories, forever. let me just follow the flows.

-----100316; 12:xxpm----
"cikgu nak tanya something la kat awak. sebenarnya lama dah nak tanya..."
"ye? cikgu nak tanya apa, tanya jela?" even hati dah dapat teka apa soalannya-- dan jawapan aku masih sama. tidak.

memang fitrah manusia ingin menyayangi dan disayangi. bagi aku itu normal. cuma cara kita handle perasaan tu yang akan lead kita arah mana kita nak pergi. baik atau sebaliknya. aku pun manusia, ada hati perasaan, bohonglah kalau aku cakap takde sikit pun perasaan sayang dekat dia. cuma aku tahu batas aku sebagai seorang perempuan. limit aku sebagai kawan. sejujurnya aku tak mintak pun untuk ada perasaan sebegitu rupa. dan kalau boleh, aku taknak pun. tapi like I said. itu dah fitrah manusia-- ingin menyayangi dan disayangi.

so kenapa kalian masih nak persoalkan? -- sebelum sempat aku nak hamburkan semua yang ada kat dalam kepala hotak aku, cikgu dah iyakan semuanya.

"cikgu perempuan, awak perempuan. cikgu tahu." terima kasih cikgu. sebab memahami saya.

"cikgu respect dekat awak sebab awak pandai jaga diri. pandai jaga maruah sebagai seorang perempuan. awak taknak nampak diri awak desperate dekat lelaki." terima kasih cikgu. sebab menghormati saya.

"cikgu tertanya tanya jugak apa hubungan dia dengan dia. kenapa dia tak nampak awak. awak blablabla. cukup syarat. tapi kenapa dia masih rapat dengan dia. kenapa bukan awak" terima kasih cikgu, sebab peka. tapi itu semua subjektif cikgu, lain orang lain pendapat dan pandangan masing masing.

"awak umpama cikgu masa cikgu baya baya awak. dan cikgu sangat sukakan sikap awak yang macam ini" terima kasih cikgu. sebab percayakan saya.

All in all, I am still walking on my path. Just follow the flows. and yeah, being a best friend is better than being a stranger with memories, forever. kita kawan. kawan sampai mati. So from now on, I just wanna focus on my future-- the bright ones, InsyaAllah. May Allah ease. For me and you.

Ada jodoh ada. InsyaAllah. 

sh-rawr,
100316;10:00pm